How we Argue in Front of Kids is Important
"We know it's not ideal to argue in front of our child," the mother said, "but we wonder if there are differences in the effect on our child depending on what we do?"
"What we mean is this," her husband explained. "Which is worse? Is it worse to demonstrate poor models of communication with each other?
"Or is it worse for us to say negative things about each other in front of our child?"
This couple, who obviously argue in front of their child, raise interesting questions.
First of all, it is clear they understand the potential damage done to children when parents engage in conflict in front of their child.
Of course, not all conflict is bad. And some conflict is inevitable in every family and in every relationship.
When conflict is acknowledged and handled appropriately and resolution is worked out without violence, children are likely to learn something positive from the conflict.
Intense, prolonged conflict in which there is uncontrolled anger and no resolution, however, will be harmful. When parents use unfair tactics or show poor communication methods, children will suffer and take nothing positive away from the interaction.
It may be useful to look at the problem of parental conflict from another angle: What are your goals for raising your child?
Many parents might say their primary goals are to provide a safe, secure environment, to help their child love and identify with both parents and to be able to solve conflict in appropriate ways.
Others might say they want their child to have satisfying interpersonal relationships, to be mentally healthy and to be kind to others.
If you can identify your goals as parents, then you can ask an important question: Are the ways we deal with conflict in front of our child helping us to to achieve the goals we've set for raising our child?
This analysis helps put the couple's question in perspective.
Now, to the parents' questions. What is the effect of using poor communication to resolve conflicts?
The way you communicate in arguments demonstrates to your child how communication can resolve conflicts. If the style you model is effective, you teach your child how to be effective in handling conflicts. However, if the style you use does not lead to a resolution, you hamper your child's ability to resolve conflicts and problems in his own life.
Then, what is the effect of saying negative things about each other?
If a child is subjected to hearing parents say negative things about each other, he is put in the middle. Who is the child to believe? Should he give up his loyalty to one of the parents?
These are awesome questions for a child. Young children, particularly, are generally ill-equipped to deal with these kinds of dilemmas.
Putting this kind of pressure on a child is unfair, and it interferes with your child's ability to be loyal to both parents.
Furthermore, it may sidetrack the identification process as the child learns to take on parts of both parents.
The answer to the original question is simple.
Neither form of arguing is beneficial to children. It's possible that one may be a lesser of two evils, but frankly, I don't know which is better or worse.
Therefore, if you're a parent who does either, you are contributing nothing positive to your child's adjustment. You have the ability to stop. For the sake of your child.