EVERY CHILD, NOT JUST THE STAR, NEEDS ATTENTION
By JAMES WINDELL
Special To The Daily Oakland Press
Being an only child can be difficult at times. For instance, the only child often grows up in a world of adults, and may miss out on some of the joys of having brothers and sisters. But having siblings has its drawbacks, too.
For instance, 10-year-old Melodie has to put up with her older brother, Cary, getting so much attention because he is an excellent basketball player which brings him praise from everyone. People often ask her what it's like to be the sister of the best basketball player in the school.
And 14-year-old Stan feels like he's always living in the shadow of Amanda, his 16-year-old sister, who is an honor student and on the high school debate team. Stan, on the other hand, is just an average student, and often feels like he doesn't excel at anything.
In each family, it seems to one sibling that his parents are giving all their attention to the "star" in the family. Stan complains that his parents are always driving Amanda to a debate competition or that they're always bragging about her latest success at school.
At Melodie's house, life seems - at least to Melodie - to revolve around Cary's basketball. If it isn't a game, it's a basketball summer camp or basketball practice or watching an "important" basketball game on television.
Sometimes she thinks if she hears the world basketball one more time she is going to scream.
When there's a star in the family, brothers and sisters may feel overlooked or distinctly unspecial. What can you as a parent do to help your child who feels "second best" to get some attention, too?
One of the best things you can do is keep in mind that every child has a special talent or gift. Unfortunately, as parents we're more likely to value the attributes and talents of a child who gets excellent grades or has outstanding athletic ability. But children can have less obvious talents, such as a good singing voice, a great imagination, a sensitive nature or a willingness to help others.
Pointing out what a child does well, even if they aren't the kid who is likely to get a football scholarship or be on the dean's list will boost their confidence and reduce their feelings of being left out.
Another thing you can do is show an interest in your child. You don't always have to fully appreciate or share an interest in what they like to do. But you do have to show an interest in them. Make sure that you try to understand their favorite things to do - even if it bores you.
Also, plan family activities around mutual interests rather than one child's special skills or talents. If you have a standout baseball player in the family, don't organize the family vacation around a trip to Cooperstown. Instead, involve all family members in planning a vacation that will be fun for everyone.
Finally, try to take an objective view of how you spend your time and energy. If you do, in fact, spend much more time going to your son's sports events while your daughter just tags along or gets left out, at least let her know that you're aware of this.
When you are wrapped up more in one child's activities, acknowledge the resentment your other child may feel. It won't necessarily eliminate feelings of playing second fiddle, but it may show your child that at least someone recognizes how they feel.
And be prepared to deal with accusations that you play favorites. Don't be hasty to deny this or to try to cheer up the accuser. Rather, find out more about how he feels and respond appropriately to those emotions. After listening to how your child feels, plan with him for more of your time and attention. Make sure you equal out one-on-one time, because every child needs that.
(James Windell is a Bloomfield Hills psychologist. Write to him at: The Daily Oakland Press, 48 W. Huron, Pontiac 48342; or e-mail jwind27961@aol.com.)