Encourage Children to Talk About Anger Instead of Demonstrating It
Once, when my daughter was 4, she got very angry at a young friend who wasn't sharing a doll with her. To strike back at her friend, Jill called her a "poop-head" - the worst name she could think of.
When I told her that calling her friend a name hurt her friend's feelings, she said, "Good, 'cause she's mean."
Suddenly I had this sinking feeling. I could understand it when my friend's children behaved in this way. But my little darling would never act in a cruel way toward others. Mean children, I figured, were a product of heir home environment and my child would never behave that way.
When my children behaved in unkind and aggressive ways, then the logic broke down and I had to rethink my position.
Since then, I've watched my daughter grow up and recognized long a go that she isn't a mean, cruel person and that she tries to teat others with kindness. I've also had plenty of opportunities to work with other peoples' children at various stages of development and to see how a broad range of children act at age 3 and 4.
At these ages, children are just beginning to develop an ability to deal with others. They not only have generally poor control over their frustration and anger, but their language skills are just beginning to allow them to convey what they are feeling. The are not yet capable of coordinating feelings and language.
Furthermore, most 3- and4-year-olds know about as much about employing tact as most of us adults know about nuclear physics. When her friend wouldn't share, Jill wasn't interested in being tactful; she was intent on letting her friend know she was a bad person.
I hear frequently form parents who are concerned because of the meanness of their preschoolers. The call names, hit, kick, spit and shove; and they rarely, if ever, express any guilt afterwards Like Jill, most of the time they're glad they hurt the other child because they steadfastly believe they deserved to be hurt.
And most parents are concerned that their child is heartless, unfeeling and maybe even sociopathic. They worry they are raising a child without a conscience
Not to worry. Various kinds of mean and cruel behaviors at this stage of development are simply expressions of angry feelings.
However, you still have to respond to these behaviors. Your job is to allow your child to have her angry feelings while letting her know anger and other emotions are all right.
You can, however, begin to teach her to express these feelings in different, more socially acceptable ways. To do so, you need to communicate your values in a straightforward way, putting definite limits on unacceptable behavior.
You can say, for instance, "I know you were very angry with Debby, but I won't allow you to hit her. When you're mad, tell her why you're mad at her."
It's important not to ask your 3- or 4-year-old to do something she's developmentally incapable of ding For example, asking your preschooler to think how someone else feels is much too difficult.
Instead, tell her she can come and tell you she feels like hitting.