Set a good example to avoid raising sore losers
Web-posted Jun 24, 2004
By JAMES WINDELL
Special to The Daily Oakland Press
Is your child a sore loser? Does he cry when he doesn't win? Does she sulk when she's not the best? Whether your children are four or 14, they may have difficulty coping when they don't finish on top or they're not the best.
When my kids were young and we played board games at home, one or the other of them would take it personally when they didn't win. Later, when they played sports, it would be devastating for them if their team lost or if they made the error that allowed the other team to win.
Sometimes I thought I had some responsibility for their attitudes. I was always competitive and tried to win. And since I used a lot of praise and encouragement I always let them know how proud of them I was when they did well.
Now I know that while parental attitudes and the use of phrases and comments meant to enhance self-esteem can be a factor in how well or how poorly they react when they lose, the fact is that a child's temperament and personality play a rather large role in how well they accept finishing second.
However, I've also come to believe that there are ways you can help your child be a better loser. As much as we'd like our kids to always succeed and be winners, the fact is they will sometimes walk in the winning run, allow the other team to score the winning goal in hockey or just be a terrible board game player.
The most important thing is helping them to feel good about playing and having fun with others - not necessarily winning.
True, we want our children to work hard and to try to do their best at games and sports and spelling bees, but there are far more important things in life. Attitude and losing gracefully are just as important, perhaps even much more important.
This summer, with all of the sports and games in which your child is likely to be involved, you will have opportunities to help them do an attitude readjustment and learn to be a somewhat more graceful loser.
One of the best things you can do is set a good example. There is no better time to do this then when the family is competing together. For instance, in many families, board games such as Scrabble and various kinds of card games are a source of great fun. However, usually only one person can win. And that's not always a parent. So when you are a loser, show your child how to be graceful and a cheerful second place or last place finisher.
You can emphasize that you tried your best and you were beaten by better players. Or that even though you lost, it was a lot of fun and you are ready to challenge the winner to another game to have some more fun.
One of the things you can always do is to heartily congratulate the winner and point out how well that person played. You can also point out what strengths were evidenced by his winning. If the game is Scrabble, for instance, you can emphasize that the winner has a great vocabulary or has always enjoyed reading and those traits undoubtedly contributed to his or her success.
Another way to help the child who is having difficulty accepting defeat is to teach them to analyze what she could do differently next time to enhance their chances of winning. This turns it into a learning and strategizing experience. It might even mean longer play if certain parts of the game are replayed.
Finally, be encouraging throughout the game. There will be times when your child makes a good play, even though they may lose the game or match. Pick out the small successes they've had during play and help them to concentrate on those little victories. If they can learn to do this themselves, they will always be able to find success.