Teenagers Deal with Name-Calling to be Different
Why in the world would an adolescent boy wear black lipstick to school?
Most teens know ahead of time what kind of stir this will cause - not only among peers but among the staff.
And most adults know generally what the reason is that would lead a teenager to do this. It's a way of showing independence and autonomy. For some, it could be a way of rebelling against the traditional or against the staid authority figures in his world. For others it could be a way of expressing anger toward an uncaring and unresponsive world.
I know an adolescent who recently wore black lipstick to school. I was interested in the reasons he gave for this action. Our conversation went like this:
"What did the other kids at school say?" I asked.
"They called me 'fag' and 'queer,' but my friends liked it," Carl replied.
"When some kids called you 'queer'," I said, "that must have made you mad."
"Yeah," he said, "but they're jerks anyway."
"How did your parents react to what you did?" I asked.
"They thought it was strange," Carl said, "and I don't think they liked it."
"Tell me the way your best friends acted when they saw you," I said.
"Some of them said I was really weird, but one friend had the perfect response," Carl said.
I was curious. "The perfect response? What was that?"
"She said 'That's different.' That's what I wanted to hear," Carl said.
All of course, fits with what most of us would think. Carl, like many adolescents, has a strong need to be unique and different. And he wanted to be recognized for this. To achieve this, he had to make a definite statement. But even he knew that in order to achieve what he wanted he would have to endure being called "queer" or being seen as weird. However, if just one person would acknowledge he was "different," then all the rest would be worth it.
Adolescence is a time when teens, attempting to be independent while figuring out who they are, have to find their own way of achieving this. Consequently, they try on many different roles. Some for short periods, others for longer periods of time. But the ultimate goal is to be different from everyone.
Carl did not want to be a "normal," bland teenager. He wanted a style that would mark him as unique. He could withstand the jibes of peers and the disapproval of his parents to get this.
He probably won't wear black lipstick for very long as his "self" will change in a few days or weeks. But he will continue to try to define who he is and how he stands out from the crowd.
As long as our teens do this in a safe and relatively innocuous way, it's expected and tolerable. As a parent, maybe your best response is to be somewhat disapproving and to acknowledge the weirdness and differentness of it all.
But please, don't fully accept it or ty to emulate it. Then your teen wouldn't be different and he'd have to move on to something even more unique.