Teens' attitude stems from need for autonomy
Web-posted Jul 22, 2004
By JAMES WINDELL
Why do middle teenagers have such trouble listening to and responding to you want them to hear and do?
The short answer is because they are middle teens.
The more academic answer is more complicated.
Middle teens - those kids between 14 and 16 years old - have to accomplish a great deal in a couple of years. They must establish a better grasp on who they are, and they must begin to make a difficult separation from their parents on the road toward greater personal independence.
It's true that children from the age of 2 are becoming more their own person and gradually seeking independence. However, it's only when they reach the middle teen years that it is critical for them to seriously pursue an independent and autonomous identity.
Adulthood is just around the corner, and they must start the process of becoming independent so that at 18 or 19 or thereabouts they can go off on their own to find their own life.
If an adolescent doesn't begin to separate and establish that he is his own person during the growth period of ages 14-16, then he will be threatened with the possibility of being stuck in a dependent relationship. More to the point, there is the fear - mostly on the unconscious level - they will end up as clones of their parents.
So what do middle teens typically do?
They push away from the parents they've been so close to. That frequently entails spending more time with peers, being influenced by friends and other adults, trying on new identities, talking back to their parents, arguing, and letting everyone know they have their own ideas, opinions and interests.
Teenagers in these years don't like to be told what to do. They certainly don't like being shown as incompetent.
They need to come across as confident, independent and capable of taking care of themselves. This, in practical terms, often means they seem - at least in the eyes of their parents - as surly, snappish, disrespectful, ungrateful and indifferent.
Given that this is the way many middle teenagers are, how can you best get your teen to listen and do what you want without having battles and arguments?
One way is to tone down those areas of your own communication and personality that are likely to cause a defensive reaction.
For example, you have to be careful about being bossy. When you're too bossy, it threatens your middle teen's sense of independence. He or she wants to make many of her own decisions. When you tell him or her what to do, the teen must - out of psychological necessity - go in the opposite direction or disregard your directions.
Instead of being bossy and demanding, here are a couple of ways of getting children to do what you want without threatening their sense of independence.
n You can plant seeds. That is, make suggestions, say what you'd want the teen to do, and allow him or her to take this farther on his or her own. This works a lot better than telling the teen what to do and getting a typical middle teen response: "OK, I'll do it in a while," or "I didn't hear you" or "That's a dumb idea."
n Use a list. Instead of irritating your teenager with verbal commands or directions, write a list of what you want him or her to do.
Somehow a list feels less intrusive to teenagers. They can choose which items on the list they'll do first and they can feel good when they check off their accomplishments. For many teens, responding to a written list helps them retain a sense of autonomy.
And that's something that a verbal command or request just won't do.