Don't be bullied into giving teens freedom too soon
Web-posted Jul 8, 2004
By JAMES WINDELL
Special to The Daily Oakland Press
Stephanie and Bob, parents of three children, have been having "issues" with their son for about six months. They say he used to be a model child. Now, at 17, Michael is in love with his first girlfriend and is testing his independence.
Michael recently acted in an irresponsible way, Stephanie and Bob say, by stealing from his job and getting fired. Now he's asking to spend the night at his girlfriend's house. He says he would sleep in the guest room.
When his parents tell him no, that he can't spend the night at his girlfriend's house, he gets angry, sulks and complains that his parents should trust him.
Stephanie and Bob, for the first time, have begun to doubt themselves as parents. They wonder if they are being too hard on Michael or that they are not treating him like a young adult. They know he needs to start learning to make wise choices on his own without them having to tell him what he can and can't do.
Stephanie and Bob ask: "If we don't let him do things and let him make his own decisions sometimes, how is he ever going to learn to make the decisions himself?"
They wonder, too, in light of his recent poor decisions, how they can trust him to make wise choices. They also wonder what are some ways Michael can work toward earning back their trust.
Stephanie and Bob have quickly learned there's nothing like a teenager to make you start doubting yourself. However, they need to hang in there and recognize there's nothing wrong with their values or standards.
When teenagers show they are not ready to make wise choices, parents have to step in and make those decisions for them. When the teenager starts making better choices, then they can give them a little leeway - until they show they are not able to make the best decisions.
That's sort of the way it goes when parenting an adolescent. You give a little independence and trust. If they can't handle it, you take it back for a while. Then you gradually try again to see if they can handle it.
My suggestion to Stephanie and Bob, and other parents of adolescents, is to trust their instincts, stay consistent, and let their teen sulk when he's told no. You can't let a teen's sullenness or irritability blackmail you into decisions with which you're not comfortable.
There are various ways a teen can show you she is trustworthy. Even if she is lying or not telling the whole truth, his behavior is what is most important - not what he promises or what he says he is doing.
Some things to look for are:
If you can answer these questions yes over a period of time, you may be willing to give your teenager more trust and be willing to allow him to make some of his own decisions.