Failure to Control Children

Failure to Control Children is not a Sign of Bad Parenting

When my children were preschoolers, it was difficult sometimes to take them out in public, not so much because of the way they behaved, because they acted like normal kids do, but more so because of the looks and expectations of others.
When my kids got out of their seat at a restaurant, dropped food on the floor, or had a tantrum, the looks of other adults conveyed a definite message. That message was: You should make your child behave.
As I thought about this message, I scanned my personal library of parenting books. The titles jumped out at me. I quickly saw titles like "Parent Power," "Dare to Discipline," "Who's in Control?" and "Back in Control." The obvious intent of these titles and the chapters inside the covers is to convey the same message. Good parents control their kids. Bad parents aren't in charge of their children.
Well, the fact is that as a parent, I wasn't in conrol of my kids, especially when they were toddlers and preschoolers. They made many of their own choices, although they were not necessarily the choices I would have wanted them to make.
This notion that parents are bad unless they are in conrol of their kids isn't helpful to anyone. It's not helpful to parents and it's not helpful to children. I would go so far as to say that trying to live out this concept leads to a great many problems between parents and children.
So often, it is the battle for control between parents and young children that causes tensions and serious conflicts within a family.
It seems far more beneficial to take a more realistic and practical attitude about raising children. This means an attitude that acknowledges that parents can influence their children but that they are not ultimately responsible for the choices they make.
You want to influence your child's choices, and you will use various discipline and guidance methods to do so. But in the long run, children make their own decisions.
Beginning at about 1 year of age and continuing - fairly rapidly - after that, kids are trying to experience life for themselves and are attemting to establish their own identity. That involves children asking their parents to give up some of the control they enjoyed during infancy.
There are three points to keep in mind to help you relinquish the ideas that you have to be in control of your child:
1. You must get to know and understand how your child develops. You will easily appreciate that your child is older, is potty trained, or can tie her shoes. It's also important to appreciate that at each age and stage she is reaching out for control of her life.
2. You must give up control gradually from about age 1. While you continue to supervise, protect, and set limits, you will also encourage independence, and autonomy. Within the limits and rules you set, you must allow independence.
3. Remember that if you insist on maintaining conrol over your child, you are setting the stage for tension, conflict, and more sparks in your relationship. Learning to give up control sets the stage for a life-long loving relationship between you and your child.